Recently, I’ve been clearing out some old stuff and stumbled on a memory that perfectly sums up how baffling life can be when you’re a bit literal.
I’m one of those people who needs things to be obvious. For example, if I walk into a restaurant and it’s unclear if I should wait to be seated or just plonk myself down.. I’m leaving. Interestingly, people often interpret this as impatience. It isn’t really, it’s frustration, often aimed at myself.
(Also, fun fact: I’ve never had a Subway because it looks too hard.)
Anyway, back to the story. Many years ago — back when dinosaurs roamed London — I stayed at The Ritz for a birthday treat. Lovely, but ….It was a weird experience, and not something I’d repeat – and certainly not when I found out how much it was!
One afternoon, we went for their famous tea. As we arrived, the doorman welcomed us and very politely pointed out that I wasn’t wearing a tie, which The Ritz “strictly enforces.”
No problem, I thought — the man said he’d resolve it. I assumed we were done here.
We sat down. Tea things happened. Life was good. Until, mid-conversation, the same man appeared out of nowhere, and with the stealth of a KGB Agent slipped something into my hand. I looked down: it was a clip-on tie. For a solid ten seconds that felt like several hours, we just locked eyes in building mutual confusion.
I thanked him – like you would when someone hands you a mystery object – and calmly put it in my bag. Still assuming, somehow, that I’d been gifted a souvenir for surviving dress code scrutiny.
Spoiler: I had not.
Later, in the pub, my friends were crying with laughter when I mentioned this utterly weird interaction. Once they could breathe again, they asked why I didn’t just… put the tie on. It was only then that I mentally replayed the “strict dress code / I’ll resolve this” conversation and realised: Derp.
So yes, I spent the evening being roasted — in a loving, not mean, way — and added another story to the “Mac vs. Social Cues” collection.
Honestly, though? No regrets. Now I treat every weird moment like a training mission.
Now, somewhere deep inside, my inner parrot squawks “Danger, Will Robinson!” when things start to go sideways. It’s not foolproof, but it’s getting better at it. Although I wish it could squawk more often before I do things, rather than when I’m fully committed, but as some other idiot once said – you can’t have everything.
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