I’ve been quiet lately, and I know a few of you have been wondering what’s going on. The truth is, it’s not that I’ve been busy—I’ve just been filling my time with things that aren’t really moving me forward. My days seem to blend together now, and if I’m being honest, I sometimes forget what day it is at all.
Not long ago, I was someone who prided themselves on being a champion sleeper — only 5-6 hours a night. Now, I’m struggling to even get to bed. I’m often staying up well past 4 AM, which means I’m not really seeing the daylight until after lunchtime. It’s a strange shift, and I think it’s largely because my schedule’s been so empty. When I have things to do, I tend to get up and get things done. So, I’ve been making a conscious effort to fill my days with more tasks, and it seems to be working—I think this might be the first year I’ve ever submitted my tax returns early.
But that wasn’t the question I was asked. The question was: How am I doing? What’s going on?
I’m honestly flattered that so many of you care enough to check in. It’s a tough question to answer, but here goes:
I’ve mentioned before that I’m hoping to come out of this experience with a more positive perspective on people. I can see now how many of my past “reads” on others were way off. I still misread people, of course, but I’m learning to adjust my expectations and outcomes. Sharing this with you feels strange, though. I’m not totally sure how I feel about opening up in this way, but it’s out there now, and I’m rolling with it.
So, how am I, really?
Physically, I’m stronger than I’ve been in a long time. I’d say I’m about 80% back to normal. Pain has become more of an occasional discomfort than something I deal with every day. I’ve learned to manage things better, but I’ll admit, the boredom and lack of structure are starting to get to me. I’m not handling the lack of motivation very well, and it’s certainly keeping Amazon busy.
Mentally? That’s another story. I’m more exhausted in my mind than my body. It’s hard to explain, but sometimes things seem so overwhelming—even though I know I can handle them physically. It’s a strange new experience for me, and I’m working through it. Usually, my stubbornness is my superpower, but right now, it feels like my coping mechanism is failing me. I’m trying to figure out a new way to deal with things, and I haven’t quite nailed it yet.
The good news is, I’m aware of it, and when my brain tries to drag me into “The Funk,” I give myself a stern talk and push through it. Mostly, that works.
What else? Well, my radio-chemo wrapped up in December, and I’m getting closer to the end of the waiting period for the next steps. I had a CT scan recently, and after that, they moved my pre-surgery MRI up by almost a month—this weekend, in fact. Apparently, that’s a good sign. I didn’t totally understand the explanation, but it came from someone I trust completely, so I’m rolling with it. After the MRI, I’ll meet with the oncologist and her team, and then I’ll head into surgery to finally package up Percy and fire it in to the f***ing sun. I’m feeling calm about it all. As you can tell.
I do have a small gripe, though: I often get appointment reminders with no explanation. I’ll be called in for a CT scan, and then two days later, I’ll get a message saying, “Your MRI is now this Saturday—don’t cancel.” For a second, I freeze. I understand they deal with this stuff every day, but a little more context would go a long way. It’s confusing and, honestly, a bit unsettling.
I’m still unsure where I am on the path to surgery, and I think that uncertainty is contributing to some of my frustration. For example, I recently agreed to take on some design work, but I couldn’t commit to the delivery. Now, the team’s asking me to help with the delivery, and they seem confused when I keep saying no. It’s not about money, but they seem to think it is —I just don’t feel strong enough right now, and I don’t want to start something I can’t finish. Plus, it’s Cisco, so there’s that.
So, where am I? In short: Positive CT results, MRI on the horizon, and surgery waiting in the wings. Physically stronger, mentally drained—but I can see a sunny beach on the horizon, if that makes sense.
I’ve also got to mention my family and friends—they’ve been amazing. I know I can be tough to understand at times, even when I’m in a good place, so I can only imagine how hard I’ve been this year. But they’re here, doing their best to hold me up, feeding me snacks, and making sure I never run out of milk. Honestly, I’ve never felt more loved in my entire life.
So, that’s where I’m at. Mentally tired, physically stronger, but surrounded by people who make it all worth it.
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