‘No Longer Critical’

I had an appointment with my doctor today, and I heard the words: “We no longer consider you critical.” That took some processing. It’s good news, of course. I’m still on the curative track.

I have some tricky surgery coming up, so now it’s all about preparation. I finally understand the timelines I’m dealing with, and honestly, they’re pretty good. If all goes well, I should be out there bugging people to come out and play by summer.

So why do I feel so… meh?

I haven’t fully figured it out yet. Part of it might be that I never really expected a different outcome. I knew things could go another way, and I understood the numbers, but I’m not a natural worrier. I don’t tend to stress over things I can’t control. I focus on doing what I can to get the best results, then I move on. Maybe that’s playing into how I’m feeling now.

But it’s more than that. There’s a lot more to me than just my physical state, and right now, it’s not my body that’s struggling—it’s the other, less tangible stuff. It’s how I feel.

I’m tired. Tired of being tired. I have so much time on my hands, yet no energy to do anything with it. It’s frustrating. And boredom? That just fuels the cycle, making me feel… I don’t even know what. But it’s not great.

I wrote a while ago about misunderstanding ‘the fight.’ I see now how wrong I was. Every day is a fight—but strangely, it’s a fight with myself. A fight to get up, brush myself off, and go again. Some days, I win. Some days, I don’t. And on those days, I feel guilty for not pushing through.

On the bright side, I’m getting really good at Call of Duty. So, there’s that.

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